Heartbreak

            The moment I heard the car-park door close, I shouted for my mum. I really needed someone here right now. The moment she stepped into my room, I slammed my door and held on to her, crying. She patted me on the back asking me what’s wrong. Everything’s wrong. She settled me down on my bed and asked me to turn on the air-con while she go grab our dinner up to my room.

           

            Recently, she has been the only person who I could talk to. She was also the bridge for communication with my dad. I never talk to him anymore. His ego doesn’t allow for that. Once again just like how I told my best friend, I said… 我们分了. It was all it took to tear me a part again. I stood with the toilet door as my shield as she attacked me with questions of how, who, why and when we broke up. All I did was hide behind my towel and cried. Finally I managed to utter some words in an effort to explain.

            Then she managed to calm me down and sat me down on the bed for dinner. She asked me and I replied. And slowly did I see that she was also uncertain about how she wanted to approach it. I guess this is the problem with having a teenage daughter. And at one point, she said. 你是不是在怨我们？ Tears rushed down my face as I tensed up. It is! Whose fault can it be? But I just sat there covering my mouth with the towel. Then she shifted closer to me and what she said kind of makes sense to me now.

            Given that I am born to a traditional Chinese family, they expect all things to go traditionally. They are still extremely averse against the western view of relationships. To meet the parents is for the 长辈to invite the晚辈 and to break that rule was the act of utter disrespect. My dad being the most traditional china man you can find felt that (his ego) was challenged by the man that was pursuing his daughter by meeting him face on. My mum said that for them, to meet the parents is to confirm a wedding and not any other matters. Whatever my relationship with others doesn’t matter, only until I decide that I want to spend the rest of my life with that man. It was to protect my parents’ 尊严.

            Once I knew that, I shouted: “ If you have told me that earlier, things would have been different!”

            “ But you never asked!”

            “How was I supposed to know what to ask? I was never thought this. He was never thought this. And what if his parents don’t believe in this?!”

            “Well now I am telling you then. ( blah blah blah)”

            It’s all too late. There is nothing that can change everything back to normal. I dare not ask. What if…. just what IF I asked. And what IF there was actually nothing between us anymore… Then would I be going too far? But I want to…

            My mum placed her arms around me and told me that she was afraid. She was afraid that I would get hurt. That I will do things that I would regret in the future. She didn’t want me to live with any regret.

            The only thing I regret now was letting this relationship pass by so easily.

            “If he truly loved you, he wouldn’t have left you so easily. You know parents’ opinion should not cause your love to falter. You guys should have fought on together.”

            Why did we not? Is it because I was too afraid to go against my parents’ wishes again? Is it because I am already tired of challenging my dad’s view where the winner was already predetermined? Was it be cause I felt that to deny him of my parent’s acceptance was too cruel and he deserved better? Or was it simply, but heartbreakingly, because our love was not strong enough?

            My best friend had asked me the same question when I told her we broke. And that time I could only manage to whisper an “I don’t know”. Isn’t that the easiest way to escape thinking about it? Now I do wonder why? Maybe it’s all because I didn’t stand my ground? Maybe because pressure from my parents had already broken me down even before this battle begun. I don’t know.

            It’s entirely my fault. I did not foresee that by telling him what my parents’ thoughts were about him, may appear as me using them as an excuse to break up. I can only say that it’s not. I did not see how much impact simple words could carry.  Then why did I tell him? I’ve been faced with this dilemma too many times. I wanted to release this pressure bottled up inside me but yet I was so afraid of hurting him. I had thought our relationship was strong enough to keep us together if I had released that pressure by sharing the load with him. I was wrong.

I had done what I was so afraid of doing.

            It’s too late to turn back. And all I can hope for is that I can meet him again 3 years later in US. I really want to start over now. But it would be too selfish of me to do that. We are both hurt and I think we need the time to heal. My mum did a calculation to let me see how impossible our relationship will be as an effort to comfort me. If we were to wait for each other, it would mean a relationship of 10 years together. That is more than half of my life until now. I don’t know if I will still be the “me” now. But if you never try, you will never know. Will I wait? Now I can give a definite answer: Yes.

            In our messages, I told him to stop thinking about the “us”. I told him the decision has been made. But looking back at my messages, that was not what I meant. I meant to say: “ Stop! Stop making it sound like you are full of regret. I am trying to forget and if you say that, I will hate myself more for making that choice. I will hate myself for letting you go. It’s all my fault. So stop. Stop making me suffer from the guilt and lets just move on.” I am desperately holding myself back from saying " let's get back together."

            Don’t worry. I will still be the old me in school. I will still be all smiles. (I will do my best.) But it is true. Behind every smile, there lies a deep dark past. I still remember what I shared with the Faculty Committee during our “Life journey” sharing in Cambodia. We were each supposed to share three significant events in our lives. And my started off as: I’ve always hated my dad.

That is not entirely true but for me, my memories with him were not without tears. To be exact, it was mostly tears. I had to admit that when I was younger, there came a point where I swore to myself to never smile at home ever again. And even until today, I barely spoke. I whispered. I never held my head high. And never did I smile. Many of my friends said that I was the complete polar opposite at home and I don’t disagree. It was because of this anger and rebellion that caused me to be independent and also helped me find my hobby – art. I kept all the smiles for home for school. She is a cheerful and independent worker in class. This was what I mostly got for my progress reports in school. And it showed my parents that the gloomy self I was at home was not the real me. Back to the point. My smiles are not always because I am happy. It is sometimes used to mask my sadness… So please understand.

            My life up till now has still been great. I did not face many stumbles and this might just be one of my greatest falls. My heart is still hollow and I am not too sure whether I want it to be filled up again. I am afraid of experiencing this again. But for someone I love, I really don’t mind.

            I really miss the old us… I really want to go back together. But maybe it’s just too much to ask. And i dare not ask despite how much i really want to. Will you forgive me?

           

25 March 2014