Unexpected

It all felt like a dream. Today after our math exams, (which was rather horrible and torturous) he asked me how it was. And we decided to grab some lunch together near my place. We are supposed to be best friends now anyway, so why not? Getting on the bus, he sat beside me and even offered to change seats so that I didn’t sit in the sun.  Is this how he really treats all his friends? That’s nice. Then there were come awkward exchanges before I decided I wanted to rest. What made me think I could sleep beside him? Holding back tears, I decided I needed some distractions. I took out my phone and scrolled through face book. Little did I know that he, who was supposed to be sleeping too, was actually peering at my phone from my shoulders. Then he grabbed my phone and flipped through it himself. Just like how he would before.

           

            We did laugh and joke about some stuff that was on face book. And when he threatened to PM a random cosplayer on facebook, I freaked out and tried to snatch it back from him. That was the first time we touched. Ignoring that, I focused on my task to get my phone back. After that, it was all ok and we got off at the interchange. As we entered the shopping mall, it was as if god was mocking us again as he sent couples holding and hands and hugging through the glass doors. We went straight to the food court and and found a nice seat in the corner. I told him to go get his food first and he left, but only to come back with a cleaner auntie to clean our table. He even asked me what I wanted to eat. After debating about whom to go buy first, we both left the table and went for the Indian food store together. At the cashier, I unconsciously paid for our food as we usually just pay for our meals together and we take turns to pay. I forgot that that “rule” no longer existed now. He protested slightly but let the matter pass. I insisted on him telling me what he wanted to say but he refused. While we ate, I struggled with my huge chicken wing + breast on my plate. Then he reached over with his fork and spoon. I guess he only wants a bite of the chicken. Nothing else. To my surprise, he helped me to remove the meat from the chicken. And as he was doing it, he fed me a piece of chicken. Are best friends supposed to act like that?

After my persistent demand on him to tell me what he wanted to say before that, he said that he had somethings he wanted to tell me. I know what was going to come. And I don’t think I am going to like it. But I am curious.  On our way up, we met JY and I told him to go talk to him while I scare him. He agreed and went. I could hear their laughter behind the pillar I was hiding. I snuck up behind him like I jumped out of a James Bond movie. BOO! He turned around and gave us the I-knew-it-that-you-guys-are-together look. Then he asked him, what paper do you have tomorrow?

“He/I only have chemistry tomorrow.” We said it in complete synchronization. JY raised his brows and teased us about it. Of course we teased him back about his “darling”. Really? We? Then after awhile, we decided we should go and we waved byez to him.

We went up to the top floor playground and as we stepped out to the open-air area, a blast of warm air welcomed us. We sat in a corner of the playground under the covers of some plants.

“How is it different now from before?”

“Everything is”

“How?”

I don’t know.

I just have to. And I will. I told him about my parents’ real stance from what I understood yesterday and I told him everything I could so that things can return back to normal.

“That really cleared things up. Really.”

That was what I really longed to hear. That is the way things should be. Thank you. He scooted over and held me close. And I just let my tears flow down his shoulders.

“I guess we are together again now.” He said as he held me tighter.

I managed a smile while I leaned on his shoulders.

Happily ever after.

I know this is really lame and I didn’t win any award for getting back my relationship, but I really want to thank this special two people.

            To my best friend, despite how blur you are and how you have been so flustered by all the things you are doing and compromising many other things, you are still the first person I called for a reason. The concern you always show me is what really made me stay by your side. I love you. J Thank you for the long talk yesterday and the message you sent me at midnight (although I only saw it in the morning) and visiting me at my exam venue just to give me a “jiayous” sign before rushing to yours. You are really sweet. Love you! <3

            And to my cute little puppy (he is already near 7 but his size still stays like a puppy.) He was always the only “person” I could go to when I am sad. Although I am not exactly fond of having dog saliva all over my face and hands, you really cheered me up. And thank you for all your efforts to protect me. He never allows anyone to hug me especially when I am crying. My dad had hugged me before a few times and whenever he did it, my dog would bark at him and claw at his legs. (My dog never barks at anyone at home) Even when my mum hugged me yesterday when I was crying, even though she meant no harm, my dog still barked and clawed at her arms. That was the first time he ever barked at my mum. She was always his bestie. She was the one who fed him.

            Lets hope things go smoothly. I’m not asking for a perfectly smooth ride, just to not fall again.

            I guess all this escalated quickly.

26 March 2014

Heartbreak

            The moment I heard the car-park door close, I shouted for my mum. I really needed someone here right now. The moment she stepped into my room, I slammed my door and held on to her, crying. She patted me on the back asking me what’s wrong. Everything’s wrong. She settled me down on my bed and asked me to turn on the air-con while she go grab our dinner up to my room.

           

            Recently, she has been the only person who I could talk to. She was also the bridge for communication with my dad. I never talk to him anymore. His ego doesn’t allow for that. Once again just like how I told my best friend, I said… 我们分了. It was all it took to tear me a part again. I stood with the toilet door as my shield as she attacked me with questions of how, who, why and when we broke up. All I did was hide behind my towel and cried. Finally I managed to utter some words in an effort to explain.

            Then she managed to calm me down and sat me down on the bed for dinner. She asked me and I replied. And slowly did I see that she was also uncertain about how she wanted to approach it. I guess this is the problem with having a teenage daughter. And at one point, she said. 你是不是在怨我们？ Tears rushed down my face as I tensed up. It is! Whose fault can it be? But I just sat there covering my mouth with the towel. Then she shifted closer to me and what she said kind of makes sense to me now.

            Given that I am born to a traditional Chinese family, they expect all things to go traditionally. They are still extremely averse against the western view of relationships. To meet the parents is for the 长辈to invite the晚辈 and to break that rule was the act of utter disrespect. My dad being the most traditional china man you can find felt that (his ego) was challenged by the man that was pursuing his daughter by meeting him face on. My mum said that for them, to meet the parents is to confirm a wedding and not any other matters. Whatever my relationship with others doesn’t matter, only until I decide that I want to spend the rest of my life with that man. It was to protect my parents’ 尊严.

            Once I knew that, I shouted: “ If you have told me that earlier, things would have been different!”

            “ But you never asked!”

            “How was I supposed to know what to ask? I was never thought this. He was never thought this. And what if his parents don’t believe in this?!”

            “Well now I am telling you then. ( blah blah blah)”

            It’s all too late. There is nothing that can change everything back to normal. I dare not ask. What if…. just what IF I asked. And what IF there was actually nothing between us anymore… Then would I be going too far? But I want to…

            My mum placed her arms around me and told me that she was afraid. She was afraid that I would get hurt. That I will do things that I would regret in the future. She didn’t want me to live with any regret.

            The only thing I regret now was letting this relationship pass by so easily.

            “If he truly loved you, he wouldn’t have left you so easily. You know parents’ opinion should not cause your love to falter. You guys should have fought on together.”

            Why did we not? Is it because I was too afraid to go against my parents’ wishes again? Is it because I am already tired of challenging my dad’s view where the winner was already predetermined? Was it be cause I felt that to deny him of my parent’s acceptance was too cruel and he deserved better? Or was it simply, but heartbreakingly, because our love was not strong enough?

            My best friend had asked me the same question when I told her we broke. And that time I could only manage to whisper an “I don’t know”. Isn’t that the easiest way to escape thinking about it? Now I do wonder why? Maybe it’s all because I didn’t stand my ground? Maybe because pressure from my parents had already broken me down even before this battle begun. I don’t know.

            It’s entirely my fault. I did not foresee that by telling him what my parents’ thoughts were about him, may appear as me using them as an excuse to break up. I can only say that it’s not. I did not see how much impact simple words could carry.  Then why did I tell him? I’ve been faced with this dilemma too many times. I wanted to release this pressure bottled up inside me but yet I was so afraid of hurting him. I had thought our relationship was strong enough to keep us together if I had released that pressure by sharing the load with him. I was wrong.

I had done what I was so afraid of doing.

            It’s too late to turn back. And all I can hope for is that I can meet him again 3 years later in US. I really want to start over now. But it would be too selfish of me to do that. We are both hurt and I think we need the time to heal. My mum did a calculation to let me see how impossible our relationship will be as an effort to comfort me. If we were to wait for each other, it would mean a relationship of 10 years together. That is more than half of my life until now. I don’t know if I will still be the “me” now. But if you never try, you will never know. Will I wait? Now I can give a definite answer: Yes.

            In our messages, I told him to stop thinking about the “us”. I told him the decision has been made. But looking back at my messages, that was not what I meant. I meant to say: “ Stop! Stop making it sound like you are full of regret. I am trying to forget and if you say that, I will hate myself more for making that choice. I will hate myself for letting you go. It’s all my fault. So stop. Stop making me suffer from the guilt and lets just move on.” I am desperately holding myself back from saying " let's get back together."

            Don’t worry. I will still be the old me in school. I will still be all smiles. (I will do my best.) But it is true. Behind every smile, there lies a deep dark past. I still remember what I shared with the Faculty Committee during our “Life journey” sharing in Cambodia. We were each supposed to share three significant events in our lives. And my started off as: I’ve always hated my dad.

That is not entirely true but for me, my memories with him were not without tears. To be exact, it was mostly tears. I had to admit that when I was younger, there came a point where I swore to myself to never smile at home ever again. And even until today, I barely spoke. I whispered. I never held my head high. And never did I smile. Many of my friends said that I was the complete polar opposite at home and I don’t disagree. It was because of this anger and rebellion that caused me to be independent and also helped me find my hobby – art. I kept all the smiles for home for school. She is a cheerful and independent worker in class. This was what I mostly got for my progress reports in school. And it showed my parents that the gloomy self I was at home was not the real me. Back to the point. My smiles are not always because I am happy. It is sometimes used to mask my sadness… So please understand.

            My life up till now has still been great. I did not face many stumbles and this might just be one of my greatest falls. My heart is still hollow and I am not too sure whether I want it to be filled up again. I am afraid of experiencing this again. But for someone I love, I really don’t mind.

            I really miss the old us… I really want to go back together. But maybe it’s just too much to ask. And i dare not ask despite how much i really want to. Will you forgive me?

           

25 March 2014

Break up.

Today after my economics paper, we met, we smiled, we had lunch. But never did we know what the cruel god was going to do unto us.  I shared with him the rejection my parents had; he shared with me the concerns he had. And simply – we broke up.

            That was my first break up. It was awkward smiles and much more awkward glances at each other as it was a 和平分手. Contrary to what you guys expect, all the drama and shouts and tears, this was just like any good bye after a lunch date. We called each other bestie and joked around about our break up. I could see hints of pain on his face. I was in denial about mine.

            We left school to go home with two other male friends. One of them knew. And all was well. We went to AMK for a little sippy sippy, we got lost and we walked what seems like miles together. The bus came and we boarded just like any other time when we went home together. Just that this time, his arms were’nt around my shoulders. He always alights before me and the three boys got off. I smiled and waved good-bye, trying hard not to avoid his gaze. The moment he stepped off the bus, I knew I was wrong. Beating the tears brimming up in my eyes, I rushed to the back of the bus and plugged in my earphones. It does’nt hurt. It is not supposed to hurt. The tears kept on coming like the waves of the sea washing up the shore. I avoided the eyes of every passerby. All the time in my mind I was forming up ways to tell him how much I wanted him back. Back in my life-- back in OUR lives.

            I got on the bus to go home from the interchange. And again the tears rushed up as I remembered how he would send me home all the time when we just got together. I once again walked to the back of the bus, trying hard to keep my tears in and to keep my balance. It felt like I would break down any moment. And to my dismay, a boy waved. The look of slight confusion and awkwardness probably told me how my eyes were red and puffy and I waved back at him awkwardly. The journey was long. It was long and painful. It was then that I knew how a heart literally breaks. As I was about to alight, a song played and it made me choke up in tears.

Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?

Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?

When they know they're your heart

And you know you were their armour

And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm her

But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?

And everything you stand for, turns on you to spite you?

What happens when you become the main source of her pain?

-Eminem

It was a 5min walk home and all this while my eyes were like thunder clouds pouring rain and shooting looks of lightning at anyone I saw. The moment I got home. I cried. I cried so hard. I cried not because I felt wronged. Not because I hated him, but because I loved him. I never told this to him, but I loved him. I cried not because I lost a friend, but because I lost a companion. And last of all, I cried because of the battle I lost. The previous night, I won the “fight” with my mum and earned her approval to do as I wish about my relationship. I was so convinced that after that, we would have the best time together. Never did I know that telling him that will lead to what it is now.  All the tears and insomnia resulted in nothing but this. All the battle we fought together and won has eventually gave us no return. And sometime I really want to say: “爸，妈。 这样行了吧？”

            Well, I cried. And I decided I must fight once again to claim back what was us before. I called and not surprisingly, I broke down in tears. Once again we talked. We talked about so many things and finally I got the courage to ask: “ Can I be your girlfriend again?” I know it’s selfish, I know that I shouldn’t have… But I at least had to try.  He did say that he still loved me. My heart flew and I was up in the sky. But they did say that the higher you go, the harder you fall. And the coming fall was shattering. He said: “ But what I am looking for is a long-term relationship.” My heart stopped. I was so selfish to think that I could still have this man, when I was not able to promise him a relationship he longed for. I was so selfish to think that I could get all his attention and at the end leave him for my studies. I was so selfish to think that there can be the best of both worlds.

           

            This is my second break up. I should’ve expected it. I should’ve known. I’m sorry for asking. We agreed that we would still be best friends. I could hear the hint of impatience in his voice. He was sick of me being wishy-washy about the break up. Maybe he was just sick of me; sick of all my flaws and my selfish demands. We said goodbye and that good bye felt that it meant bye forever. It was like a goodbye to our relationship; goodbye to the bonds we shared. There is no longer a “we”.

            My hands were ice cold as I punched in the number of my best friend. It was then that I realised how I neglected many of my friends during my relationship. She picked up and my voice shook. We broke up. It was that simple and I cried like someone just died. I could hear her voice shake as she tried to comfort me and soothe me. We talked for nearly 45min before we hung up. And the one think that stuck to me was that she said:

I will cut out a piece of my heart to mend your broken one.

Really, I am sorry. Sorry for everything. For no longer texting you much, for not having our girls’ nights out anymore and for not being a good girlfriend when I was busy with my boyfriend. I really love you.

            I was asked why we broke up. I don’t know. Maybe it is because the fear of the uncertainty in the future. Maybe it is because I was incapable of promising him a long-term relationship. Maybe it was because I gave the wrong answer when he asked if I would wait for him when I am studying in the US. Maybe it is just that we were just not meant to be.

            My heart ached as I thought of what I was to do. Everyday I am asked and teased about why I was not with him. It became almost a normal sight to see the two of us together. I don’t know what to do now that he is no longer mine. All the half and hour lunch break that we cherished together, all the Saturdays that we spent together and all the laughter we had together after school. Nothing can replace that. Not only the laughter and joy, the tears and arguments will also be missed. There is no longer someone who will be there to tolerate my 公主脾气. And there will no longer be someone there to make me smile. The seat beside my bus ride will once again be taken by a stranger like the past 9years of schooling. There will be no shoulder to lean on and no one to give me a hug or a peck on the forehead. No one will be there to say I am cute despite me protesting about his 甜言蜜语.  He really made my day everyday.

            For a relationship to last, it really needs unwavering love and dedication. And he really showed that to me. Maybe it is me who is the gap. But I really longed for a pure and innocent relationship: something that is like a fairytale. This relationship was like an adventurous journey, nothing like the peaceful and carefree on I expected. And I have no regrets.

                        To whoever who can be fortunate enough to be in his company, I wish you all the best. Cherish him.

            And to him, you have set the standards high in my heart and our memories will forever stay, I thank you for going through this with me and I am sorry this had to end. But I am grateful that it had begun. All good things have to come to an end.

25 March 2014