Break up.

Today after my economics paper, we met, we smiled, we had lunch. But never did we know what the cruel god was going to do unto us.  I shared with him the rejection my parents had; he shared with me the concerns he had. And simply – we broke up.

            That was my first break up. It was awkward smiles and much more awkward glances at each other as it was a 和平分手. Contrary to what you guys expect, all the drama and shouts and tears, this was just like any good bye after a lunch date. We called each other bestie and joked around about our break up. I could see hints of pain on his face. I was in denial about mine.

            We left school to go home with two other male friends. One of them knew. And all was well. We went to AMK for a little sippy sippy, we got lost and we walked what seems like miles together. The bus came and we boarded just like any other time when we went home together. Just that this time, his arms were’nt around my shoulders. He always alights before me and the three boys got off. I smiled and waved good-bye, trying hard not to avoid his gaze. The moment he stepped off the bus, I knew I was wrong. Beating the tears brimming up in my eyes, I rushed to the back of the bus and plugged in my earphones. It does’nt hurt. It is not supposed to hurt. The tears kept on coming like the waves of the sea washing up the shore. I avoided the eyes of every passerby. All the time in my mind I was forming up ways to tell him how much I wanted him back. Back in my life-- back in OUR lives.

            I got on the bus to go home from the interchange. And again the tears rushed up as I remembered how he would send me home all the time when we just got together. I once again walked to the back of the bus, trying hard to keep my tears in and to keep my balance. It felt like I would break down any moment. And to my dismay, a boy waved. The look of slight confusion and awkwardness probably told me how my eyes were red and puffy and I waved back at him awkwardly. The journey was long. It was long and painful. It was then that I knew how a heart literally breaks. As I was about to alight, a song played and it made me choke up in tears.

Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?

Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?

When they know they're your heart

And you know you were their armour

And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm her

But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?

And everything you stand for, turns on you to spite you?

What happens when you become the main source of her pain?

-Eminem

It was a 5min walk home and all this while my eyes were like thunder clouds pouring rain and shooting looks of lightning at anyone I saw. The moment I got home. I cried. I cried so hard. I cried not because I felt wronged. Not because I hated him, but because I loved him. I never told this to him, but I loved him. I cried not because I lost a friend, but because I lost a companion. And last of all, I cried because of the battle I lost. The previous night, I won the “fight” with my mum and earned her approval to do as I wish about my relationship. I was so convinced that after that, we would have the best time together. Never did I know that telling him that will lead to what it is now.  All the tears and insomnia resulted in nothing but this. All the battle we fought together and won has eventually gave us no return. And sometime I really want to say: “爸，妈。 这样行了吧？”

            Well, I cried. And I decided I must fight once again to claim back what was us before. I called and not surprisingly, I broke down in tears. Once again we talked. We talked about so many things and finally I got the courage to ask: “ Can I be your girlfriend again?” I know it’s selfish, I know that I shouldn’t have… But I at least had to try.  He did say that he still loved me. My heart flew and I was up in the sky. But they did say that the higher you go, the harder you fall. And the coming fall was shattering. He said: “ But what I am looking for is a long-term relationship.” My heart stopped. I was so selfish to think that I could still have this man, when I was not able to promise him a relationship he longed for. I was so selfish to think that I could get all his attention and at the end leave him for my studies. I was so selfish to think that there can be the best of both worlds.

           

            This is my second break up. I should’ve expected it. I should’ve known. I’m sorry for asking. We agreed that we would still be best friends. I could hear the hint of impatience in his voice. He was sick of me being wishy-washy about the break up. Maybe he was just sick of me; sick of all my flaws and my selfish demands. We said goodbye and that good bye felt that it meant bye forever. It was like a goodbye to our relationship; goodbye to the bonds we shared. There is no longer a “we”.

            My hands were ice cold as I punched in the number of my best friend. It was then that I realised how I neglected many of my friends during my relationship. She picked up and my voice shook. We broke up. It was that simple and I cried like someone just died. I could hear her voice shake as she tried to comfort me and soothe me. We talked for nearly 45min before we hung up. And the one think that stuck to me was that she said:

I will cut out a piece of my heart to mend your broken one.

Really, I am sorry. Sorry for everything. For no longer texting you much, for not having our girls’ nights out anymore and for not being a good girlfriend when I was busy with my boyfriend. I really love you.

            I was asked why we broke up. I don’t know. Maybe it is because the fear of the uncertainty in the future. Maybe it is because I was incapable of promising him a long-term relationship. Maybe it was because I gave the wrong answer when he asked if I would wait for him when I am studying in the US. Maybe it is just that we were just not meant to be.

            My heart ached as I thought of what I was to do. Everyday I am asked and teased about why I was not with him. It became almost a normal sight to see the two of us together. I don’t know what to do now that he is no longer mine. All the half and hour lunch break that we cherished together, all the Saturdays that we spent together and all the laughter we had together after school. Nothing can replace that. Not only the laughter and joy, the tears and arguments will also be missed. There is no longer someone who will be there to tolerate my 公主脾气. And there will no longer be someone there to make me smile. The seat beside my bus ride will once again be taken by a stranger like the past 9years of schooling. There will be no shoulder to lean on and no one to give me a hug or a peck on the forehead. No one will be there to say I am cute despite me protesting about his 甜言蜜语.  He really made my day everyday.

            For a relationship to last, it really needs unwavering love and dedication. And he really showed that to me. Maybe it is me who is the gap. But I really longed for a pure and innocent relationship: something that is like a fairytale. This relationship was like an adventurous journey, nothing like the peaceful and carefree on I expected. And I have no regrets.

                        To whoever who can be fortunate enough to be in his company, I wish you all the best. Cherish him.

            And to him, you have set the standards high in my heart and our memories will forever stay, I thank you for going through this with me and I am sorry this had to end. But I am grateful that it had begun. All good things have to come to an end.

25 March 2014